Connect with People

In the increasing virtual world of high-technology, the ability to build personal connections with others is becoming a critical success factor.

Technology today has equipped the young professionals with an enormous number of digital tools to connect with people like chats, Linked-In, blogging, Orkut and other virtual communities being just a few. Now connecting with old friends, batch- mates, ex- colleagues or for that matter making new contacts is just a click away! So we can safely say that our Generation X, is exuding energy with all the online relations they manage… yes connecting with people generates a great deal of energy.

However we need to ponder over our ability in connecting with real people? In the real world, which fortunately is still a reality for a large part of our life, the rules of connecting with people are quite different. We may not realize but all of us move around with a kind of a notice board on our faces. Some faces scream ‘do not disturb’; while others say ‘stay away’; some others are completely buried in the sounds of their ear- phones oblivious of their environment. How about a face that is welcoming to open a dialogue and build a relationship? Notice yourself reacting to facial expressions very intuitively, almost non-rationally. It’s the same for others. It is your facial expression that tells people whether you are charming or alarming.

People decide to approach or avoid us based on the notice board on our faces. Do you find people approaching you easily or avoiding you? Are you the kind who builds quick connections with others or the kind who can travel for hours sitting next to somebody without even exchanging a greeting? You enter a lift, where per force there would be strangers within your personal space… what is the most common expression on everyone’s face… that of being alone where others don’t exist at all! Almost every one is looking at the numbers being displayed at the top. Some would be staring at their own toes as if reading an important message written on their shoes. And for some others the good old (rather new) technology comes handy, the cell phone helps them avoid any contact with the world.

In my earlier assignment I had a youngster from Chandigarh working with me. This young guy despite having a modest education and background has the gift of connecting with people. He always has a pleasant smile on his face and is most willing to open a dialogue. He is least self-conscious and is very willing to help. Once we were traveling together on a long flight. Very quickly I got into reading my book. This guy for a while tried to read the newspapers but soon he got bored. Next he tried to strike a conversation with me and read my notice board saying, ‘I want to read’. After a while I noticed that this guy was engrossed in an animated conversation with one of the air-hostesses, and she was requesting him to find a job for a close friend of hers who knew Japanese. At present this youngster is a ‘Recruiter’ with Microsoft in Hyderabad. As I reflect on his success, I think one critical differentiator in his case has been his ability to build connections.

In an old adage we’ve learnt that any interaction between two individuals is a sales situation. You could be selling a concept, an idea, a product or yourself in the mind space of another person. In the profession of sales it is taught that ‘people first buy you before they buy what you are selling’.

To develop this critical skill, the one key change we’ll need to bring about in ourselves is to exhibit the same confidence with people that we exhibit with digital tools to build connections. In the real world, we need to adopt a few every day practices: observe our own facial expression, smile at the world – we have only one life, greet strangers, be genuinely interested in knowing another human being and her story, offer help and finally notice the good in people! In a nutshell, check your facial notice board.

What Company Do You Keep?

Often in my workshops people say, “Tell us some simple ways of bringing about positive changes in our life.” I think our parents and elders knew exactly what to do. If you recall, in your growing up days, they were always concerned about the company you kept. They were curious to know almost everything about your friends; their family background, their habits, their likes and dislikes, where you spent time with them and what you did during free hours. And like most youngsters you would have resented it as too much intrusion or almost categorized it as spying. Ever wondered why they were doing this? There is a traditional wisdom which says that ‘likes attract each other’ or ‘birds of a feather flock together’. Our parents wanted a peek in our lives through our friends.

Closely look at your own friends circle. Being with this group makes you feel good about what you are and what you do. This ‘good feel’ emanates from the fact that you are similar in-terms of habits, way of thinking, your reactions to your environment, your achievements, your choice of music, your health habits etc. People are naturally attracted towards the people who are like themselves. This phenomenon is rooted in an inherent psychological need of security & survival. When we are with people who are like ‘us’, we feel secure and find comfort in our way of life. We have all the data to justify that OUR way of living is the RIGHT way of living. You will notice people who get sad easily find the company of those who support this behavior or are themselves sad. Cynical people are in the company of other cynics. The happy go lucky manage to find people of their own type and spend time together.
A few days back an interesting research was cited in the newspaper: People with obese friends or siblings are at a greater risk of becoming overweight. This connection is not as blatant as friends and siblings adopting each other’s lifestyles, it is more subtle. What appears to be happening is that a person becoming obese most likely causes a change of norms about what counts as an appropriate size. People come to think that it is okay to be bigger since those around them are bigger, and this sensibility spreads.
Our environment has a very profound impact on us!

Going back to the main question: ‘how do I change my life?’ If you want to change your life, just change your company, change your environment.

Have you come across a relative or a friend who was completely at ease with himself and his environment in India, but after having one long stint in the U.S., he repeatedly complains about how we ‘Indians’ do not follow traffic rules! You might get irritated with him. You might even say that all these guys start abusing India the moment they step out of the country. But he is not trying to annoy you. Actually, he is only voicing a new way of thinking that he has learnt in his new environment. He is now sensitized to the need and the benefits of the new behavior and probably wants you to benefit from his experience.

Think of what kind of life you want. Find out in your environment or beyond, people who have the kind of life you desire. Once you’ve identified people who are closer to the kind of life you want, you need to get in their company. You need to become part of their environment. The moment you’re part of this new environment, people will notice a change in your way of thinking. This difference is the secret of creating a new life. Slowly without realizing you start changing your way of dressing, your reactions, your hangouts, your dreams, your efforts, everything.

A few words of caution, when you are choosing new company, be careful! Ask yourself, “Am I choosing the people who have changed their lives or am I choosing the people who were born in my dream life?” You will find similarity with those who have changed their lives and not with those who were born in the life of your dreams.
Cheers!!